I prefer to write about happy stuff like rock ‘n roll music, comedy and cute videos of Koala bears. No more dammit! I will now tackle heftier topics in the hope that I can obtain more readers by intentionally sliming myself with idiotic, ill-informed opinions just like you get from CNN, CNBC and Fox News. As long as yer hair is combed right and yer reasonably attractive and you are capable of reading off a teleprompter, yer gonna sound not only intelligent but well informed!
Here’s the rules as I see ’em…
Don’t ever admit defeat, even if you just got clobbered in the last election. As a matter of fact, accuse the opposing party of nailing Jesus to the cross if you think you can get away with it.
Take advantage of being the winner. It seems to rile the opposing party when you look like you don’t give a s%#t what they think. A presidential golf outing is traditionally the popular option here.
Deny, deny, deny- These are the famous words from Bill Clinton and to his credit almost worked. This strikes me as such a simple yet devious underhanded approach that I’m surprised I didn’t think of it myself. The great ones stand alone I guess.
Hold a rally- Here’s a no-lose situation if I’ve ever seen one. Supporters come out in droves and opposition supporters look like a collection of unruly hooligans when they show up.
Speak to the common man- Here’s where Hillary screwed up. She didn’t exactly rev-up the folks in rural areas to put it mildly. Allow me to paraphrase if I got her message correct here…
You racist, coal-mining sons of bitches are about to be out of a job as soon as I get elected and there’s nothing you can f&*%ing do about it!
Well spoken! Say Hillary, while yer trying to destroy these people’s visions of what there tradition is, has been, and will be in the future I hear that there’s also a newborn, right-leaning panda in the Washington Zoo that needs assassinating. Ha, ha! Did I say “assassinating”? What I meant to say was “strategic removal!” (Very wise. This’ll also cut down on our bamboo imports.)
(Hangonna sec, I almost applied toothpaste to my aching calf muscle. Luckily I reached the Ben-Gay in time. (Glad it wasn’t the other way around! For any Berke Breathed fans out there I’d like to say that yeah, it really happened.)
Maybe I should start my own news channel. That’d be cool. It’ll be based on what I think you need to know irregardless of what the news really is. In exercising mind control techniques upon ya, we’ll be telling you what kind of food what you should eat, what kind of shoes to wear, how despicable you are for not updating your bathroom and what your overall morals should be. We’ll color that with stories about kittens chasing laser lights just to let ya know it’ll all be ok in the end. Now there’s a groundbreaking news show!