It’s All in the Delivery

I was scanning thru my 5 zillion TV channels recently when I noticed two things:

A) How fast the delivery of spoken lines was back in the twenties and thirties.  It was either sped up in editing or they really did speak their lines that quickly.  Here’s a reasonable approximation of when ya put lines on paper compared to the on-screen effect…

Joe: Thismugdoesntwannacooperate!Louie:He’sokJoe,just ask the boys.Darla:Don’thurt himJoe,hedoesntknowwhathe’stalkin’about.Joe:He’sstillamugIsay!Somebody’sgottatakecareofthisguysee?Andi’mjusttheguytodoit!Yeahthat’sright!I’lltakecareofhimrealgoodItellya!Idon’tcarewhatanydamesays!

Justtypingthatmuch, er sorry…Just typing that much sent my normally cognizant and cooperative spellcheck feature out of it’s mind. Nextly and thusly I’d like to point yer attention to art of naming movies and their enthusiastic promos.  Maybe I could be good at that. There’s been a long running trend where movie (or even TV shows) have been kept to five words or less so as to keep them quickly remembered as well as fitting onto posters hanging to your local theatre walls geared towards generating the interest and fascination of you, the viewing public.

Sooner or later (in our lifetime or not) Hollywood’s gonna run out of words about how to name and promote their latest shows and features.  Think I’m wrong?  This effect is already occurring with such improbable names as  “Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash”  (Hey!! I think I saw that one!!),  “Mars Needs Women”, “Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny”, “Ilsa: Nazi She-Wolf of the SS” (definitely saw that one) and “On Golden Pond”.

Then again maybe I’m jumping the gun here.  Let’s see what movie titles I can drum up with word anagrams using only the actual words in the aforementioned film names (allowing for pluralizing when necessary):

“Ice Cream Nazis on Mars!”

“Santa Needs Women!”

“The She-Wolf and the Bunny Bloodbath!”

“The SS Bikini Carwash Pond!”

Ok, Ok, this is a clearly stupid and futile exercise but are my movie names really any worse than the ones I was drawing from? Then again, maybe I didn’t see some great film monikers in there that other, more farsighted readers can provide. Please send ’em to me in the comments section if ya think u got a good one.

Jimmy

 

Holiday Road

Chuck was kind enough to impart a few thoughts from his most recent beachside excursion:

From Chuck:

Diane (attempting to ask me about the upcoming weather): “How long rain harder?”

Chuck: “What??? You sound like one of the Hekawis from F Troop”.

From Jimmy:

O”Rourke (to Wild Eagle): “U don’t have to ACTUALLY attack the fort, just send your brave Hekawii warriors tonight and PRETEND to attack so we can make Cpt. Parmenter look like a hero.”

Wild Eagle: “No good O’Rourke.  Brave Hekawii warriors afraid of dark.”

Jimmy

(Back to Chuck) Diane and the girls are all killing me at Scrabble yet they are all trying to make me feel better.

Erin: “Your score isn’t too bad.”

Me: “Are you kidding me?? A monkey could eat the bag of tiles and s**t them out all over the board and he would STILL have a better score than me.”

Chuck

Jimmy: Hey Chuck! You just disrespected rule #3.4 of this website which clearly stipulates (ahem)… “Any writer on this stupid, futile, insanely crazy idea of a blog shall refrain from monkey poop jokes to the extent humanly possible unless it’s really funny”.

(OK, that WAS really funny but if we catch any grief for the Hekawii gag it’s yer ass.)

Jimmy

(Why Chuck and Teresa put up w/me is anyone’s guess but check out MameMagazine.com for more cool stuff if ya haven’t already.  Thanks for hittin’ and readin’)

 

The Fintastic Voyage

I noticed on the news this morning that many viewers of The Discovery Channel’s Shark Week kickoff episode from last night featuring Michael Phelps versus a Great White shark in a water-born race feel cheated, if not outright robbed.  The blowback resulted in noteworthy outrage from many viewers insomuch as Phelps wasn’t actually in the water with the aforementioned and extremely dangerous predator. He raced a far more docile computer animated shark that seemed to piss off viewers hoping for a little more violence and bloodshed (hey, I’m not naming names here). Let me say this about that…

PT Barnum once said that there’s a sucker born every minute and I’m now kicking myself for not laying some dough on the shark given the moronic levels of the general public. Was Vegas giving odds on the outcome of this race?  If so, they would’ve known that a Great White is capable of speeds upwards of 30 miles per hour while Phelps’ at best, will clock in somewhere around 4 mph. This normally would’ve resulted in odds of 20 million to one in favor of Jaws (woulda been 30 million to one except that maybe some shyster decided to plant a wounded seal on the race course in order to put the fix in.) But then again it’s possible some folks assumed that this would be a land race, which largely favors Phelps even if he agreed to have a bucket full of glue draped over his head while being spun around ten times with the assurance that he won’t be pranked by being lead into the water with the supposedly land-saddled shark. (Now THERE’S a contest!)

I’m with the viewers in one respect though.  Given a race between two or more humans it’s reasonable to expect that there will be some ground rules to ensure fairness and clean competition.  Why not the same for sharks? I’m figuring that the head of the Olympic committee sat down with head shark to lay out a few ground rules…

Any competitor who chomps his adjoining competitor in half shall be deemed to have committed an infraction and will thus be penalized 3 seconds in their overall score. (The shark contingent probably protested this one).

Surfacing to grab seemingly helpless seagulls or any other seabird is not only frowned upon but will be severely punished with a 4 second violation. (The humans were vehemently against this clause.)

Disconcerting, unruly, undignified or intimidating comments at the start line will result in a 2 second penalty. Certainly a sensible rule, hopefully averting such man/shark commentary as:

Human: Hey Flipper! Why don’t you take your tuna-breathed, seal-eating ass down current? You stink you sunofabitch!

Shark (in response): Hey man! Why all the negative vibes? I was hoping we could get together afterward and hang for a while.  All you have to do is swim out over the breakers about dusk and me and my buds will light up a party in your honor!

Having established these sound and unimpeachable rules, let the race begin!

(Spoiler alert!!!)

(The shark wins)

Jimmy

 

 

 

 

The Lowdown on Highlighters

Had the following conversation with my 11 year-old daughter the other day as we were getting ready to head to the beach.
Erin “Daddy, do I need sun block in between my fingers?”
Me  “No, sweetie. We’re not going TO the sun.”

A Pre Dinner Observation Made To My Wife:

Explaining to Diane why I’m less than thrilled with my new yellow Cape May t shirt.
“I have two problems with it. One, I can’t squeeze my giant head through the head hole. And two, when I have it on, I look like a big fat highlighter.”

Chuck

Note from Jimmy:  “Diane” is Chuck’s wife and yes, if ya painted his head yellow he would seem to be an oversized highlighter.  Even tho I’ve told him to send stuff in (“SIZE 14 TIMES NEW ROMAN DAMMIT!)” ,  he defiantly insists on torturing me in the editing process.  HO, HO, not this time mi amigo!

In reality, I’m always glad to post his thoughts insomuch as he makes feel normal by comparison.

Jimmy