We’ll Take the Bill Now Waiter

I love progress, I really do.  It’s gotten so dysfunctionally slick that instead of just getting an e-mail showing what I owe on my cable bill I receive a full-on, condescending video of what I owe with audio notes explaining how I got into this mess in the first place.

Being a forward-thinkin guy, I’d like to recommend the next step in our world of progress by suggesting that my cable provider invent a cartoon character called “Billy: Your Friendly Bill Explainin’ Squirrel” wherein Billy would explain to us how idiotic and self-indulgent it was to order “Wanda Does Walla Walla” in a moment of weakness last month, resulting in a “very reasonable” charge of $17.99 per viewing.  Billy could then step into the next phase of the billing process where he resolves absolutely none of our questions in the billing and tax phase of our bill to the point of imparting in an appropriately high, squeaky voice “HAHA!!! F*&# YOU and I’m NOT GONNA TELL YA!! or “GET A LIFE GOOMBAH!

Still, I have high hopes for our theoretical friend. Being cute and fuzzy can really take u a long way in this world, much like the Terrier outside my window who figures it sound thinking to bark his ASS off at 2:30 in the morning. Getting back to Billy, I’d like to see his lovability used as a force for positive change bringing love, peace, goodwill, free love, opioids and all the other fun stuff that modern society provides us.

To be honest, all I’ve been doing in the preceding paragraphs is running interference while waiting for Chuck’s response to this e-mail:

Me: “1st off, I went to Nick’s for a beef combo and gravy fries today cuz I just couldn’t take it anymore after 3 months of introverted denial (Evil demon on left shoulder: “get Nick’s roast beest w/gravy fries Jim, Chuck would WANT u to do it” while the angel on my right shoulder is saying “No, no it’s a sign of betrayal!”

Guess which side won.  Having just driven 8 hours up and 8 hours back to and between a wedding in Provincetown, MA I’da thought that a good post or two would be easy money, but no dice. As my sister so eloquently put it “I can’t believe we got thru that incident-free.”  (My family’s weddings usually qualify as some kinda spectacle that’d make the Cirque du Soleil jealous.)

Having noted all this I’ll take ANYTHING in the way of ideas for a post (it’s been a while, man.) including your scientific opinion on the preservation of mastodon fossils.  Lacking that, I’ll post this e-mail and WHATEVER thoughts on the subject of wooly mammoths as u may  be so kind as to impart.”

As fun and wonderful a writer Chuck is he can also be a surly, recalcitrant bastard when he wants to be. Fear not, for I shall harass him when/where necessary. This is my solemn promise to u.

Oh, Tom Petty died last week as most of us know by now.  One person fancied him an equivalent American songwriter equal to Woody Guthrie and Bob Dylan (allow me to throw in John Lee Hooker) in a statement I’ll never disagree with. Once again lemme see if I can this video goin’ (it always seems to be a challenge) If not, listen to The Travelling Wilburys “End of the Line” and “Handle With Care” on your own.  You’ll be glad u did.

Stay safe and be strong.

Jimmy

 

 

 

That Means WHAT???

Being a 53 year old guy who thought he was wise to the ways of the world (the English vocabulary in particular) and then some, I’ve recently found out how wrong I was when my daughter and I recently got into a friendly argument about the nickname of her targeted college, namely the University of Hawaii.

While she insisted the team nickname was “The Manoans”, I quickly and accurately corrected her with “Rainbow Warriors” as the school’s flagship moniker.  In order to settle our dispute I looked up the aforementioned Rainbow Warriors on Google and the first site presented was The Urban Dictionary, which gave a vastly different interpretation of the term than I was expecting:

Kate:  OK Dad! Look it up!

Me (while Googling): Yep. I’ll show you!

(momentary pause)

Me: What the hell is this???!!!

Kate (laughing): Dad, you clicked on The Urban Dictionary site!

Allow me to withhold the definition of Urban Dictionary’s version of what “Rainbow Warrior” means (seeing as this is a damn family site) compared to what I thought it meant (brave Polynesian Warrior).  This got me to thinking what other interpretations of terms I thought I knew might be out there. This’ll require some investigative journalism on my part (or in other words “work”) but it’s a small sacrifice for you, our readers. Let’s begin:

“Afterclap”

What I’d guess it meant- noun; the fallout from a venereal disease

What it now means-verb; the last sound from a round of applause

“Yard Sale”

My thinkin’-A homefront where used junk is sold at dirt cheap prices

Alternative-Wiping out on a snowy mountain leaving gloves, poles, skis, etc…all over the place

“Unlightening”

Me: A light bulb blows leaving you in the dark

Actual-Somebody represents an idiotic and untrue theory as fact (I’ve gotta include this term in the website motto.)

“Beerboarding”

Me: (you’d think I’d know this one) Bringing a frosty alcoholic beverage up the gangplank

Actual: Getting someone bombed so that they spill the truth

This is getting so fun that I think I’ll make up a few of my own.  Lemme know what you think:

“Funselfish”- Buying the bar a round so you can keep the party going when everyone seems to be wrapping it up

“Steamed Clam”- A person who walks face-first into a glass door thinking it was open

“Kangaroo”- A person who trips on a crack in the sidewalk and has to hop in an effort to maintain some dignity

“Floon”-As Chuck knows, I’ve already tried this one out to no effect.  It’s intended meaning was to imply a screwup or mild mistake.  Shoulda gone further but the Catholic Church wouldn’t buy into it with the whole “forgive me Father for I have flooned” serving as quite the obstacle.  Worth a shot, tho.

This topic has above all proven to me how flexible, interpretive and stupid the English language can get.  See ya next time.

Jimmy

 

Wonderland

Time to swim against the current a little. I know at this time of year, most parents are overjoyed that the kids are heading back to school. Not this parent. I love all of the things that the girls and I do all summer long. I love being outside with them. I love game nights that start at 9 o’clock at night. I love heading to the local park to shoot hoops with them. I love taking them to baseball games. I love hitting the beach with them. I love attending outdoor concerts with them. But, mostly, I love the freedom that summer allows. Childhood races by at blinding speed, and childhood summers race by even faster. I, for one, am in no hurry to see them end.

Chuck

Yep, I have those memories too although I’ve hadda adjust mine to “stay the %#&* outta jail”.

Walter Becker of Steely Dan recently passed away so lemme see if I can hook you up with a good number here (below). Becker w/b the guy playing bass and singing in the background by the drum kit. He and singer/keyboardist Donald Fagen pioneered a lot of the music we hear today and yes, that’s Jeff “Skunk” Baxter on guitar for you Doobie Brothers fans.

Jimmy

 

Mr. Mom

Here’s a recent quote from Chuck:

Diane “I’m exhausted from food shopping.”

Chuck “Hey, I’m tired too! I’ve been watching three kids, one of whom I didn’t even know was here.”

Chuck

By my standards that was a fine job. Responsibility and coverage for the kids in consideration for your significant other tops all responsibilities as we Moms and Dads grapple with the ongoing struggle of raising and dealing with kids, their ideals, their hopes and dreams, their tantrums, refusing to eat what’s cooked for dinner, bumming money of ya, bad grades, insolent attitudes and generally being a money siphon akin to laying every dollar you own on the floor with the understanding that a vacuum cleaner will soon come along and clean you out.

Say, that reminds of a story of my own: (We had a one-year old boy at the time. Mother’s Day, circa 2001)

Wife (early morning):   “Well”?

Me: “Well what”?

Wife: “Where’s my Mother’s Day gift?”

Me (sensing trouble): “I didn’t get u one”

Wife: “WHY NOT!!???

Me:  “You’re not my mother”.

I paid a king’s ransom for that response friends and in some ways so discreet (other ways more overt) that I still haven’t any cognizance of them 20 years later.

Marriage/kids: Think hard my readers.

Think hard.

Jimmy

 

It’s All in the Delivery

I was scanning thru my 5 zillion TV channels recently when I noticed two things:

A) How fast the delivery of spoken lines was back in the twenties and thirties.  It was either sped up in editing or they really did speak their lines that quickly.  Here’s a reasonable approximation of when ya put lines on paper compared to the on-screen effect…

Joe: Thismugdoesntwannacooperate!Louie:He’sokJoe,just ask the boys.Darla:Don’thurt himJoe,hedoesntknowwhathe’stalkin’about.Joe:He’sstillamugIsay!Somebody’sgottatakecareofthisguysee?Andi’mjusttheguytodoit!Yeahthat’sright!I’lltakecareofhimrealgoodItellya!Idon’tcarewhatanydamesays!

Justtypingthatmuch, er sorry…Just typing that much sent my normally cognizant and cooperative spellcheck feature out of it’s mind. Nextly and thusly I’d like to point yer attention to art of naming movies and their enthusiastic promos.  Maybe I could be good at that. There’s been a long running trend where movie (or even TV shows) have been kept to five words or less so as to keep them quickly remembered as well as fitting onto posters hanging to your local theatre walls geared towards generating the interest and fascination of you, the viewing public.

Sooner or later (in our lifetime or not) Hollywood’s gonna run out of words about how to name and promote their latest shows and features.  Think I’m wrong?  This effect is already occurring with such improbable names as  “Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash”  (Hey!! I think I saw that one!!),  “Mars Needs Women”, “Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny”, “Ilsa: Nazi She-Wolf of the SS” (definitely saw that one) and “On Golden Pond”.

Then again maybe I’m jumping the gun here.  Let’s see what movie titles I can drum up with word anagrams using only the actual words in the aforementioned film names (allowing for pluralizing when necessary):

“Ice Cream Nazis on Mars!”

“Santa Needs Women!”

“The She-Wolf and the Bunny Bloodbath!”

“The SS Bikini Carwash Pond!”

Ok, Ok, this is a clearly stupid and futile exercise but are my movie names really any worse than the ones I was drawing from? Then again, maybe I didn’t see some great film monikers in there that other, more farsighted readers can provide. Please send ’em to me in the comments section if ya think u got a good one.

Jimmy

 

Holiday Road

Chuck was kind enough to impart a few thoughts from his most recent beachside excursion:

From Chuck:

Diane (attempting to ask me about the upcoming weather): “How long rain harder?”

Chuck: “What??? You sound like one of the Hekawis from F Troop”.

From Jimmy:

O”Rourke (to Wild Eagle): “U don’t have to ACTUALLY attack the fort, just send your brave Hekawii warriors tonight and PRETEND to attack so we can make Cpt. Parmenter look like a hero.”

Wild Eagle: “No good O’Rourke.  Brave Hekawii warriors afraid of dark.”

Jimmy

(Back to Chuck) Diane and the girls are all killing me at Scrabble yet they are all trying to make me feel better.

Erin: “Your score isn’t too bad.”

Me: “Are you kidding me?? A monkey could eat the bag of tiles and s**t them out all over the board and he would STILL have a better score than me.”

Chuck

Jimmy: Hey Chuck! You just disrespected rule #3.4 of this website which clearly stipulates (ahem)… “Any writer on this stupid, futile, insanely crazy idea of a blog shall refrain from monkey poop jokes to the extent humanly possible unless it’s really funny”.

(OK, that WAS really funny but if we catch any grief for the Hekawii gag it’s yer ass.)

Jimmy

(Why Chuck and Teresa put up w/me is anyone’s guess but check out MameMagazine.com for more cool stuff if ya haven’t already.  Thanks for hittin’ and readin’)

 

The Fintastic Voyage

I noticed on the news this morning that many viewers of The Discovery Channel’s Shark Week kickoff episode from last night featuring Michael Phelps versus a Great White shark in a water-born race feel cheated, if not outright robbed.  The blowback resulted in noteworthy outrage from many viewers insomuch as Phelps wasn’t actually in the water with the aforementioned and extremely dangerous predator. He raced a far more docile computer animated shark that seemed to piss off viewers hoping for a little more violence and bloodshed (hey, I’m not naming names here). Let me say this about that…

PT Barnum once said that there’s a sucker born every minute and I’m now kicking myself for not laying some dough on the shark given the moronic levels of the general public. Was Vegas giving odds on the outcome of this race?  If so, they would’ve known that a Great White is capable of speeds upwards of 30 miles per hour while Phelps’ at best, will clock in somewhere around 4 mph. This normally would’ve resulted in odds of 20 million to one in favor of Jaws (woulda been 30 million to one except that maybe some shyster decided to plant a wounded seal on the race course in order to put the fix in.) But then again it’s possible some folks assumed that this would be a land race, which largely favors Phelps even if he agreed to have a bucket full of glue draped over his head while being spun around ten times with the assurance that he won’t be pranked by being lead into the water with the supposedly land-saddled shark. (Now THERE’S a contest!)

I’m with the viewers in one respect though.  Given a race between two or more humans it’s reasonable to expect that there will be some ground rules to ensure fairness and clean competition.  Why not the same for sharks? I’m figuring that the head of the Olympic committee sat down with head shark to lay out a few ground rules…

Any competitor who chomps his adjoining competitor in half shall be deemed to have committed an infraction and will thus be penalized 3 seconds in their overall score. (The shark contingent probably protested this one).

Surfacing to grab seemingly helpless seagulls or any other seabird is not only frowned upon but will be severely punished with a 4 second violation. (The humans were vehemently against this clause.)

Disconcerting, unruly, undignified or intimidating comments at the start line will result in a 2 second penalty. Certainly a sensible rule, hopefully averting such man/shark commentary as:

Human: Hey Flipper! Why don’t you take your tuna-breathed, seal-eating ass down current? You stink you sunofabitch!

Shark (in response): Hey man! Why all the negative vibes? I was hoping we could get together afterward and hang for a while.  All you have to do is swim out over the breakers about dusk and me and my buds will light up a party in your honor!

Having established these sound and unimpeachable rules, let the race begin!

(Spoiler alert!!!)

(The shark wins)

Jimmy