Catchin’ Up (Or Down)

I damn near got myself into a traffic collision today because I was driving at the blazing speed of 8mph (It’d be interesting to get pulled over for this one with the cop asking “Do u have ANY idea of how fast you were going? Me: I dunno, seven?”) which caused me to spin out on my downhill right turn comin’ off a stop sign.  You may be asking yourself, “Jimmy why r u boring us with a story about an accident that never happened?”  I’ll tell you why.  I hadda semi-trailer boss/teacher who instructed me at one point to assume that everyone else on the road is an idiot and therefore can’t be trusted. Normally solid advice but in this case the person driving the oncoming vehicle was going slowly enough as well and also had the wherewithal to swerve around me. I wish I knew who that was cuz I wanna buy ’em a steak dinner.

Chuck’s column about Daoud Shaw was so well written and poignant that I recommend every visitor read it. We call it “One in a Million”

Moving right along, I actually watched the Oscar awards in hopes that someone would say something bat s@%t crazy. Didn’t work out that way but it was amusing that some very low-level celebrity tried to steal Frances McDormand’s “Best Actress” award for 2017.  The guy got busted for it and is now up on felony theft charges.  This reminds me of a story from a few years ago where Patriots linebacker Mike Vrabel had his Super Bowl rings stolen from his home. Why would anybody do this considering they’re now involved in a felony grand larceny?  Yes, I’ve heard of international thieves who steal valuable diamonds, ancient treasures and artistic masterpieces before but who can they show them to? Who can they sell them to? What satisfaction can be gotten that’s worth the risk of a 12 year prison term?

I was confronted recently with clamshell packaging almost resulting in a wound you’d normally associate with a mountain climber’s fall or suicide attempter (NO DAMMIT! I was just trying to open a package!!) Why can’t they make these things easier to deal with?

Luckily, all the news isn’t negative insomuch as I just learned about a new phenomonon called “Drunken Shopping” (Thank you God) which apparently involves people getting blasted, buying a bunch of stuff they don’t want or isn’t the right size or color when they eventually sober up and then humbly bring the object back the next day demanding a refund as tho it was the store’s fault. If anyone’s looking for a candidate for a new Olympic sport I believe we’ve just hit gold here.

Imagine the announcers play-calling: “Ilsa from Poland has exhibited exquisite form here with her irrational demands for a refund putting the Polish team solidly in the lead!!”

“Juanita from Guatemala has just gone down in aisle ten!!! She looked like she had control of her shopping cart but we’ll hafta go to Paula down on the field for her take on this stunning development!!!”

(Paula) It doesn’t look good here, Jim. Stumbling in a sideways fashion is bad enough but a full-on falldown will take her and her team out of medal contention.”

“Here comes Team USA!!! The sweater choices and sizes have been solid and sensible so far but OH NO!!! Megan just puked on one of the garments costing them valuable style points!!”

I swear to God that I could do this all day.

Thanks for reading and do be sure to hit for great content about music, comedy and current events.

Oh yes.




Random Thoughts Part II

True story.  35 years ago I hadda supermarket job stocking shelves when one day while I was stacking canned green beans a guy comes along claiming he was the original Jolly Green Giant.  His wife/significant other reassured me that this was true but I wasn’t buying it although I nodded at ’em as though I was.  Can u blame me? How many people do u come across in life who claim to be the f#%@ing Jolly Green Giant???

Secondly, we’ve hadda few hits from Canada recently and I feel the need to give ’em a shout-out.  Yep, the next time anyone in the U.S. decides to call u a bunch of backwoods, syrup-slurpin, seal clubbin’ yahoos, rest assured I’ve got yer back.  Despite the many complex and almost desperate issues going on with the Mexican border these days it’s reassuring to know that NO ONE (not even Donald Trump) is planning to build a wall between the USA and Canada.  Why u ask?  The Canucks would rather freeze to death than associate with us and recipricuosly Americans aren’t that much interested in our northern neighbor seeing as we can freeze OUR asses off just fine in New Hampshire, Montana and Alaska when necessary.

The New England Patriots have suddenly decided to get all spooky again. NEVER count out Tom Brady. The Pats/Raiders and Eagles/Cowboys games are gonna be good watching this weekend.

Just a few thoughts and until next time keep a cold one in the cooler for me.