While others may wanna go skydiving, travel the world, join Greenpeace, meet a famous celebrity and signup for sports fantasy camps before they keel over, I have different ideas of what a bucket list oughtta look like. This is largely based on stories from friends, my own experiences that were unfulfilled and stuff I think woulda been cool if they happened but never panned out.
For instance, I have a friend who’s car was parked in his driveway but suddenly could accommodate only two gears; Park and Reverse. While the rest of us mortals would throw up our hands and call a tow truck he decided to take the initiative and drive a mile and a half in reverse gear to get his vehicle over to the local transmission shop. This, my friends is no mean feat insomuch as he had to cross a major intersection and take a right (left for him) on to another major road and eventually pull in backwards to the Aamco parking lot. (Let’s say you were sitting on a red light, waiting for the light to change. Cars pass in front of you normally and there’s suddenly one that’s going backwards. Wouldn’t you be impressed?)
Secondly, I have another friend who was doing work on a house only to step on a failing section of floor, plunge through two equally iffy stories slamming into and penetrating each successive level while finally landing in the basement where he was bitten by the family dog. Even the 3 Stooges and Bugs Bunny didn’t think of this one.
Thus is the premise of a doable bucket list that I think might be attainable or at least worth the minimal effort, despite the consequences:
Invent a new type of car horn that really captures my emotions at the time instead of a simple HONK. Let’s say for example that the driver in front of ya (to be mentioned henceforth as “Driver A”) isn’t paying attention at a red light turning green and needs a little prodding (from me, henceforth know as “Driver Q” (expecting me to call myself Driver B, weren’t ya?). In order to get things going you hit yer horn and instead of the old-fashioned honk the aforementioned Driver A motorist hears the chorus of the Stones “Get Off My Cloud”. (“HEY, HEY, (you,you) GET OFFA MY CLOUD!) . This inoffensive nudge obviously applies only as a simple reminder.
Yet there are harsher honks that need to be considered.
Let’s say “Driver A” ain’t exactly cooperating and requires further incentive to get his/her ass in gear so to speak and could spark a road rage incident. Instead, why doesn’t “Driver Q” simply hit the secondary horn option that explains to “Driver A” that their on “The Highway to Hell” if they don’t friggin’ move it already.
Driver A still not moving? Horn option C will come equipped w/Alice Cooper’s “I Love the Dead”. What it lacks in subtlety more than makes up for in terms of getting things moving along.
Get rich- yeah, yeah I know this is on a buncha people’s bucket lists but I have a specific reason for getting this done. I always wanted a butler/lackey to order around. For instance:
Me (wearing an ascot and smoking jacket while relaxing in my comfy chair): “I say Piffington, you provided me with subpar crumpets yet again, you groveling insect. Have you no concept of the fact they need a certain poofiness?”
Piffington: “I am most unworthy, Your Awesomeness. I will procure you such poofy crumpets and as soon as I can arrange for a suitable replacement, I’ll have myself executed. ”
Next, I’d like to establish a national “Brutally Honest Day”, where instead of the counter person at your local fast food joint asking “May I help you?” they say “Let’s get this over with. I’m making minimum wage, wearing a uniform that fat people wearing Speedos on a Mediterranean beach would consider undignified and you’re lucky I have no snot left in my nose to put on your burger so whaddya want?”
Additionally, I’d like to go my doctor without him insinuating that I’m a borderline moron. While I understand that I’m apparently supposed to sequester myself from stress, eat healthy, exercise (all great advice) and take my meds, I start to wonder what the greater point is. Does the person who lives the longest “win”? People who tell me that “you’re gonna die” once they find out I smoke now get the response “Yep, I will die, but I’ve got some bad news for ya, so are you.”
What I really want is for my kids/family to live happy lives. That’s it.
Continue reading “My Bucket List”