Let’s Hit it Again

I recently started mourning, while celebrating, the loss of great Americana traditions via the show “American Pickers” whereby the pickers find old motorcycles, jugs, art and other interesting memorabilia from people’s yards and barns, etc., displaying our past and how we got to the point we are today thru these objects.

This got me to thinkin’ about what treasures of the past I’d like to see make a comeback…

The Dunce Cap-Never heard of it? The Dunce Cap was used in elementary school to inspire lesser students to greater intellectual heights via ritual humiliation by seating the offending youngster in a chair at either the front or rear corner of the classroom while wearing a white, cone-shaped paper hat on his/her noggin that had the word “DUNCE” prominently displayed on the front of it.  (Scarring kids for life wasn’t a big issue back then.)

The Hotfoot- Apparently this was a big hoot during World War II.  Here’s how it works: If you notice that a friend, comrade, etc. has fallen asleep barefoot in your presence then the only thing to do (apparently) was to stick a lit match between two of his toes and wait patiently while the flame makes it way to skin contact.  The resulting hilarity involves the subject waking and suddenly hopping around like some kind of nitwit while screaming like a banshee. Unfortunately, the targeted individual didn’t always quite see things in line with the intended humorous effect often resulting in a fistfight.

Working on Your Own Car- Yeah, yeah, people still do this but not like before. Dinging your finger on the fan, spitting out black fluid from an ill-advised posture during an oil change or being semi-electrocuted resulting in temporary loss of consciousness while dealing with vehicle issues was a rite of passage back in the day.  It’s a man thing. Having black, oily, severe looking, emergency room-level cuts made you more of a man provided it didn’t kill ya.  Nowadays you’ll be needing such ultra expensive, sophisticated equipment and such intensive training that the average backyard mechanic just can’t compete.

Music- Don’t get me wrong here.  I LOVE seeing my favorite bands on YouTube while equally digging some of the new bands (big fan of the Pretty Reckless) and I don’t know what heaven’s like but I think I’d like to scan the radio, dealing with static only to hear “Hey WHAY listeners! Here’s newest number from Buddy Holly!” While I was used to scouting around my transistor radio, hearing static in my dialing search and getting frustrated from time to time, I still miss hitting a gem.  Nope, Buddy Holly died before I was even born but his legacy ultimately made me want the experience all the more (and again).

Jimmy

To the Moon Alice!

I recently stumbled along a piece pointing out famous astronomer Stephen Hawking’s advice to establish a colony on the moon before it’s too late for good ol’ planet earth. (See this link http://giftedviz.com/2017/06/21/stephen-hawking-is-convinced-humanity-needs-to-leave-earth/).  Permanently occupying the moon and expanding humanity into space while momentous, is also of course tricky and thus comes w/some important questions:

Question 1: Who and how many of us earthlings will establish and occupy the moon biosphere?

Answer: While there’s more than a few people I’d like to send on a moonshot, it’s important to get this right so I’d like to leave it up to the consensus of the people who’ll actually be there. The moon compound will obviously need various types of scientists, engineers and laborers to keep things running smoothly, but who else do we send?  Perfect human specimens of health and beauty would seem the obvious choice just based on most of the Hollywood characters I’ve seen in the sci-fi genre but is it wise considering that those films often wind up in disaster?

Question 2: How will our moon friends be attired?

Answer: Taking advice from Gwyneth Paltrow surprisingly ain’t gonna cut it insomuch as her sticker idea is a load of “BS” according to NASA (see link: http://bgr.com/2017/06/23/goop-stickers-nasa-gwyneth-paltrow/) so were gonna have to go with Plan B. I applaud her effort anyway ‘cuz writing about women’s cosmetics has been a stunningly consistent source of laughs for me. Seriously, I think I could make a living writing about it.  This quote had me laughing out loud:

“NASA, which typically doesn’t even bother to address ridiculous pseudoscience like what Goop is trying to peddle, was looped in thanks to Goop’s claims that the “Body Vibes” stickers utilize “NASA space suit material” made of “conductive carbon” to perform their magical healing feats. Gizmodo went right to NASA to ask for clarification on this mythical material and got a rather blunt response.

Apparently, NASA astronauts “do not have any conductive carbon material lining the spacesuits,” according to a rep from NASA’s spacewalk office. Pressed further, and presented with this counter-claim, one of the people behind the Body Vibes stickers claimed that he “found a way to tap into the human body’s bio-frequency,” while hedging his claims by saying that all the research that proves he’s telling the truth is confidential.

A former NASA human research scientist responded to Goop’s claims by simply calling it “a load of BS,” which is really all you need to know about how close to reality any of the company’s claims actually are. Upon learning of the Gizmodo story, Goop pulled any mention of NASA from its website.”

Ouch. While my motto when writing a new piece can be described as “there’s no idea too stupid” this series of assertions has admittedly proved me wrong.  Now whadda we do? Seeing as I can’t do any worse than Goop in the moon attire category, I’ve thought of a few more ideas…

How ’bout futuristic spacesuits like in “The Forbidden Planet” that seem to protect ya from everything but bullets, death rays, alien monsters and whatever else our moon people might need defending from that quickly proves corny and useless.

Robots: We can consider athletically challenged robots like “Robot” in the 60’s series “Lost in Space” but does this mean we gotta put up w/insufferable dimwits like Dr. Smith? I prefer an R2-D2 character that can not only relay messages from beautiful far-flung princesses and wise old Jedi knights but zap any hapless evil enemies at will.

(Which raises the question: Why do the Imperial Stormtroopers even bother wearing armor when they’re susceptible to getting wasted anyway?  This is an important thought.)

Sorry, I’m losing my train of thought here (to the extent I ever had one) and will once again try to take this buffoonery seriously.

Food and Lodging: Efficiency is everything here so I recommend barrel after barrel of green gloop labeled with the word “FOOD” on ’em.  “Anybody up for more green gloop!”  shall be our motto which I’m sure our moon units will never tire of and’s gonna be great for morale.

As far as lodging goes and given near zero gravity conditions, it’ll be important to strap everyone to their space cots at bedtime lest they fart in such a way as to deliver thrust and thus send themselves thru the top of the biosphere. I’ll bet the engineers have thought of this one already, but hey, can’t be too safe man.

Leadership: Clearly this issue can’t be taken lightly given my wish to send Kim Jong Un up there only to watch it all backfire as he decides to invade earth once he gets death ray capabilities.  So who else? It’ll hafta be someone who’s gonna be calm, nurturing and crazy enough to agree to this. That’s a rare combination but fret not readers for I do have some candidates in mind.

Given her credentials, Yoko Ono would be the obvious choice here, but she (like myself) ain’t the proverbial spring chicken anymore.  Cindy Lauper and Morgan Freeman were additional guesses and while I love their qualifications there’s really no one who can do it like Samuel L. Jackson. If anyone of our moon units gets outta line or scared he can lay lines on ’em like from Pulp Fiction:

Jules: Now Yolanda, we’re not gonna do anything stupid, are we?

Yolanda: You don’t hurt him.

Jules: Nobody’s gonna hurt anybody. We’re gonna be like three little Fonzies here. And what’s Fonzie like? Come on Yolanda what’s Fonzie like?

Yolanda: Cool?

Jules: What?

Yolanda: He’s cool.

Jules: Correctamundo.

Having wrapped that up, there’s only one last issue left (actually, there’s a lot more but my fingers are getting pooped.)

Communications: Unless there’s an improvement in cell phone usage from our moon people, my daughter ain’t goin’ seeing as she won’t be able to use her mobile phone for less than sixteen hours a day.  As tragic as it apparently is, (to her anyway) there is nonetheless, a simple solution…

Let’s setup a Space Shuttle-type program whereby we shoot cute, fuzzy creatures such as puppies, kittens, wombats, etc. to our moon habitat (yes, I’m deliberately saying this to get responses) in space modules (hey, maybe they’ll get the hang of it after a while and guide the modules themselves) with notes tied to their collars. Upon their moon arrival, our spacefolk can review loveable footage of their 275,000 mile journey which they hopefully survived.

As always, I’m happy to help with these complicated questions and will (unless shouted down) will supply a part II.

Jimmy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Lowdown on Highlighters

Had the following conversation with my 11 year-old daughter the other day as we were getting ready to head to the beach.
Erin “Daddy, do I need sun block in between my fingers?”
Me  “No, sweetie. We’re not going TO the sun.”

A Pre Dinner Observation Made To My Wife:

Explaining to Diane why I’m less than thrilled with my new yellow Cape May t shirt.
“I have two problems with it. One, I can’t squeeze my giant head through the head hole. And two, when I have it on, I look like a big fat highlighter.”

Chuck

Note from Jimmy:  “Diane” is Chuck’s wife and yes, if ya painted his head yellow he would seem to be an oversized highlighter.  Even tho I’ve told him to send stuff in (“SIZE 14 TIMES NEW ROMAN DAMMIT!)” ,  he defiantly insists on torturing me in the editing process.  HO, HO, not this time mi amigo!

In reality, I’m always glad to post his thoughts insomuch as he makes feel normal by comparison.

Jimmy