Given the ridiculously fiery temperatures here in Philly lately, I thought I’d cool us all off with a little humor ala Rodney Dangerfield and Henny Youngman…
It’s so hot I demanded to have my tonsils re-inserted just for the ice cream.
It’s so hot that the local wildlife formed a committee demanding access to my air conditioning. (To their credit, they made a strong, well thought-out concession by begrudgingly yet willingly use the toilet while simultaneously promising not to pee in my barbecue grill for the next 3 months. In return, I receive a year’s supply of acorns but I hadda agree to flush the aforementioned toilet insomuch as the little varmints can’t reach the flapper. Man did I get the better end of that deal!)
Speaking of wildlife, the owl outside my window went from saying “who” to saying “what the f#&k?”.
A local chef told me that the lobsters are now voluntarily jumping into the pot.
It’s so hot that even South America is making fun of us. (Hey, at least we’ve never had to resort to eating our shoelaces, man.) Actually and having said it, I think I’ll book a flight to Africa just to cool off for a week.
It’s so hot that I suddenly got the hallucination that Donald Trump is president.
Now should the power suddenly cut out, here’s a few vital steps that will need to be taken…
- Open the windows as to let as much fresh air as possible in.
- Fill your bathtub with fresh water before you lose that option too.
- Go looting. There’s a reason why we’re the greatest country in the world and we didn’t earn that distinction by sitting around being pansy-asses. (Anybody up for two hundred rolls of paper towels?)
As if things weren’t bad enough, I think that I finally figured the connection from David Bowie back down to Iggy Pop and the Stooges thru The Velvet Underground. They don’t sing. These bands vocalize their lyrics thru the spoken word or at least a sing-song version of it. To prove my point I’ll ask you to listen to Iggy Pop’s “Nightclubbing”, Velvet Underground’s “Pale Blue Eyes” and Bowie’s “The Jean Genie” which I, being a benevolent host, have conveniently supplied below…
I think the cool thing is that only took me 50 years to catch up with this concept.