To the Moon Alice!

I recently stumbled along a piece pointing out famous astronomer Stephen Hawking’s advice to establish a colony on the moon before it’s too late for good ol’ planet earth. (See this link http://giftedviz.com/2017/06/21/stephen-hawking-is-convinced-humanity-needs-to-leave-earth/).  Permanently occupying the moon and expanding humanity into space while momentous, is also of course tricky and thus comes w/some important questions:

Question 1: Who and how many of us earthlings will establish and occupy the moon biosphere?

Answer: While there’s more than a few people I’d like to send on a moonshot, it’s important to get this right so I’d like to leave it up to the consensus of the people who’ll actually be there. The moon compound will obviously need various types of scientists, engineers and laborers to keep things running smoothly, but who else do we send?  Perfect human specimens of health and beauty would seem the obvious choice just based on most of the Hollywood characters I’ve seen in the sci-fi genre but is it wise considering that those films often wind up in disaster?

Question 2: How will our moon friends be attired?

Answer: Taking advice from Gwyneth Paltrow surprisingly ain’t gonna cut it insomuch as her sticker idea is a load of “BS” according to NASA (see link: http://bgr.com/2017/06/23/goop-stickers-nasa-gwyneth-paltrow/) so were gonna have to go with Plan B. I applaud her effort anyway ‘cuz writing about women’s cosmetics has been a stunningly consistent source of laughs for me. Seriously, I think I could make a living writing about it.  This quote had me laughing out loud:

“NASA, which typically doesn’t even bother to address ridiculous pseudoscience like what Goop is trying to peddle, was looped in thanks to Goop’s claims that the “Body Vibes” stickers utilize “NASA space suit material” made of “conductive carbon” to perform their magical healing feats. Gizmodo went right to NASA to ask for clarification on this mythical material and got a rather blunt response.

Apparently, NASA astronauts “do not have any conductive carbon material lining the spacesuits,” according to a rep from NASA’s spacewalk office. Pressed further, and presented with this counter-claim, one of the people behind the Body Vibes stickers claimed that he “found a way to tap into the human body’s bio-frequency,” while hedging his claims by saying that all the research that proves he’s telling the truth is confidential.

A former NASA human research scientist responded to Goop’s claims by simply calling it “a load of BS,” which is really all you need to know about how close to reality any of the company’s claims actually are. Upon learning of the Gizmodo story, Goop pulled any mention of NASA from its website.”

Ouch. While my motto when writing a new piece can be described as “there’s no idea too stupid” this series of assertions has admittedly proved me wrong.  Now whadda we do? Seeing as I can’t do any worse than Goop in the moon attire category, I’ve thought of a few more ideas…

How ’bout futuristic spacesuits like in “The Forbidden Planet” that seem to protect ya from everything but bullets, death rays, alien monsters and whatever else our moon people might need defending from that quickly proves corny and useless.

Robots: We can consider athletically challenged robots like “Robot” in the 60’s series “Lost in Space” but does this mean we gotta put up w/insufferable dimwits like Dr. Smith? I prefer an R2-D2 character that can not only relay messages from beautiful far-flung princesses and wise old Jedi knights but zap any hapless evil enemies at will.

(Which raises the question: Why do the Imperial Stormtroopers even bother wearing armor when they’re susceptible to getting wasted anyway?  This is an important thought.)

Sorry, I’m losing my train of thought here (to the extent I ever had one) and will once again try to take this buffoonery seriously.

Food and Lodging: Efficiency is everything here so I recommend barrel after barrel of green gloop labeled with the word “FOOD” on ’em.  “Anybody up for more green gloop!”  shall be our motto which I’m sure our moon units will never tire of and’s gonna be great for morale.

As far as lodging goes and given near zero gravity conditions, it’ll be important to strap everyone to their space cots at bedtime lest they fart in such a way as to deliver thrust and thus send themselves thru the top of the biosphere. I’ll bet the engineers have thought of this one already, but hey, can’t be too safe man.

Leadership: Clearly this issue can’t be taken lightly given my wish to send Kim Jong Un up there only to watch it all backfire as he decides to invade earth once he gets death ray capabilities.  So who else? It’ll hafta be someone who’s gonna be calm, nurturing and crazy enough to agree to this. That’s a rare combination but fret not readers for I do have some candidates in mind.

Given her credentials, Yoko Ono would be the obvious choice here, but she (like myself) ain’t the proverbial spring chicken anymore.  Cindy Lauper and Morgan Freeman were additional guesses and while I love their qualifications there’s really no one who can do it like Samuel L. Jackson. If anyone of our moon units gets outta line or scared he can lay lines on ’em like from Pulp Fiction:

Jules: Now Yolanda, we’re not gonna do anything stupid, are we?

Yolanda: You don’t hurt him.

Jules: Nobody’s gonna hurt anybody. We’re gonna be like three little Fonzies here. And what’s Fonzie like? Come on Yolanda what’s Fonzie like?

Yolanda: Cool?

Jules: What?

Yolanda: He’s cool.

Jules: Correctamundo.

Having wrapped that up, there’s only one last issue left (actually, there’s a lot more but my fingers are getting pooped.)

Communications: Unless there’s an improvement in cell phone usage from our moon people, my daughter ain’t goin’ seeing as she won’t be able to use her mobile phone for less than sixteen hours a day.  As tragic as it apparently is, (to her anyway) there is nonetheless, a simple solution…

Let’s setup a Space Shuttle-type program whereby we shoot cute, fuzzy creatures such as puppies, kittens, wombats, etc. to our moon habitat (yes, I’m deliberately saying this to get responses) in space modules (hey, maybe they’ll get the hang of it after a while and guide the modules themselves) with notes tied to their collars. Upon their moon arrival, our spacefolk can review loveable footage of their 275,000 mile journey which they hopefully survived.

As always, I’m happy to help with these complicated questions and will (unless shouted down) will supply a part II.

Jimmy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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